Reply To: Week 2 Posts – November 28th

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#19039
Anonymous

Hello! Appreciate you sharing this piece. I wouldn’t scrap the rhyme scheme just to scrap it. Proper forms can be enticing to read. The trick is laboring over every word choice and the way each line is built, so that the rhyming words don’t seem predictable or cliche. Piggybacking on Codi’s note about bore/chore, rough/enough. The beauty in a lot of rhyming pieces is when the rhyme seems to be secondary to the piece, when the visual and metaphoric elements outweigh the structure and sound.

When your piece uses lines like “the mirage of you in my bed” I wanted you to draw that out more. What does this person look like in your bed? How do you know it’s a mirage? What kind of landscapes erupt in you when you fall for the mirage? As the reader I want to explore that more, I want to experience the mirage with you.

Also thinking about cadence and syllable count, how each line reads out loud. Specifically want to focus on these lines:



If you can’t read my sky writing, if you can’t perceive my emotions are bared
I read your ignorance as willful not blissfully unaware
I admit my candidness is impoverished, I can’t seem to come clean enough
I refuse the deep well of my own truths, and the going is getting rough

There’s some tongue-twisty word use and sentence structure that can be confusing for the reader. The first line in this section has more syllables than the line that follows, which makes it kind of clunky in the reader’s mind. Establishing a flow and structure within each line can help support the rhyme. (Also a note that my brain locked onto the placement and pseudo-rhyming of ignorance and candidness.)

I would also suggest exploring a structure in which the end of each line does not have to be the conclusion of the thought or the sentence. I in no way want to rewrite anything you’ve done, but in an attempt to demonstrate the notes I’ve made, I took the four lines from above and reworked them as if I wanted to communicate a similar idea/theme. Take it or leave it.

I felt big as the sky in your presence, I could lift airplanes on a kite string
and still find wind enough to say your name in a tuft of clouds. Swing
blissful in my direction, I want to keep candid as a high tide at sunrise,
but I’ve watched you turn your back on such things, to my surprise
you might willfully miss the boat, my love.

I hope this is constructive and helpful.