Reply To: Week 3 Posts – December 5th

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#19092
Anonymous

Hey everyone,

After workshop #2, listening to the critiques and sitting with my own, yeah I see how v1 was a destructive fireball. It served its purpose in that form at that time, but there’s more to say and stronger ways to say it. I’ve been trying to dig for it. Below is what I’ve got so far. I want to add one more section, then revise it and make it hit right in the feels.

I’ll look at everyone’s submissions for Week 3 and comment as I can. Thank you to Buddy, and to everyone. This is the best money I ever spent. Love to all of you.

Take A Moment v2
(Rough Draft)

I stand naked in front of the mirror
I see my reflection through faded shades of fire
I’m covered in soot
Radical neglect tattooed into my skin
I take inventory of each freckle, wrinkle, calloused scar
The rolls of fat that stick out too far
Silently I make amends for the carelessness and regret
I carry this skin for life
I can’t go back and undo time
Can’t demand a redeal, can’t make it right but I don’t need to anymore
I clumsily fell off the cross
Hit the earth on all fours suffering shattered kneecaps and a broken heart, begging for a way out
In a sober peyote trip searching for answers to questions that weren’t of my creation
They were fed to me in breadcrumbs of indignation I vomited up through hateful years of tears
I laid it out bare at your absent feet
I paid homage to my shrine to anger

Martyrdom Sacrifice
Love struggling in gen pop
Lack of abundance where the buses don’t run
I don’t live there anymore
I’m no longer elsewhere, I’m over here
My past does not define my story
My reflection is someone I respect
New life lives behind her eyes
We hold each other’s stare for exactly 4.7 heartbeats
Before I’m compelled to tell her, “I didn’t know what I didn’t know.”
She leans in and whispers, “So you couldn’t do what you didn’t do.”
We touch the glass, “We are more than the pain because of our love.”
Embracing the horizon, burning out the clutch of previous design
This is the me I wished to find
I take a moment to stare into my gratitude
It has a face that looks like me
I am the shrine to acceptance and forgiveness