Reply To: Week 3 Posts – December 5th

Home Forums Hauled Off and Hit – Workshop Forum Week 3 Posts – December 5th Reply To: Week 3 Posts – December 5th

#19184
Anonymous

Hey Seth, thanks so much for sharing your work with us!

First off, you’ve got some KILLER lines in this. Like, “the sumacs bursting with burgundy” is gorgeous for so many different reasons. Fantastic!

But, my overall feeling is that you’ve maybe got two poems on your hands. It feels like the start of the poem on through to, “all energy flows freely from a squatting pose” is one poem and then the rest is a second. Honestly, as painful as might be, I’d consider scrapping the first half because the second half speaks so clearly for itself IMHO. That said, I understand it’s always hard to let go of lines, especially when they’re awesome, and even moreso when it’s about your life. So, another idea is to maybe try to work the first half into places of the second half where it would make sense. Then you might be able to hold on to a bit more of that killer start. But, at the end of the day, I really think you should split this poem in two and let each one lead you where it wants to go.